Thursday, January 29, 2009

confessions of a party lover

I believe God created me to love people, love music, love dancing,love cocktails, and especially love all of these combined.
Today, when I was in my car, I was blasting.. (no kids in the car, I can go deaf right?) "Lady Ga Ga" she says in her song, "Just dance! everything will be okay" I was lovin it! It got me thinking of the wild crazy girl that is apart of me.
In highschool I always found it thrilling to go cliff jumping, clubbing, and anything borderline dangerous. I wouldn't say I always "struggled spiritually" as some really thought, but I explored things. My thoughts, my personal boundaries, what did God want with me? etc. Some people thought I was a typical "party girl", but the funny thing was I balled my eyes out the first time I made out with a guy. How "off track" was I? People are stupid. Yes, I am too at times....(sarcastic tone)
College came along and I had to sign a "spiritual contract" saying that I would not smoke, drink, etc. when I was there. It was the only college I wanted to go to (okay. I admit, the only one I got into actually!) I went along with it for like, 2 months, and then I didn't stick to it. My parents tought me something different, so I felt like I was on a balance beam of rights and wrongs. I didn't do those things all the time, but there were times I believed it was okay. MY bf and I would smoke when we felt like we were "too righteous", I would smoke "Black and milds" (gross I know) with my best guy friend driving home so we would stay awake for 5 hours. I drank when I was home with my family. My brother was studying to be a bartender at one point, I was supportive and tried like, all of his drinks!! I was pretty gone-but if you know my family that was one of the greatest, most fun times ever! The look on my dads face when he saw me smoking a cigarette and pretty gone, hanging out with my brother Kev, and me saying "Dad! you aren't supposed to see me like this!!" and then laughing, is one of the moments of my life I will never forget. My other brother, Brian, and I first bonded when he took me to his college and got me drunk for the first time. It is really funny and awkward looking back. But, 10 years later we still laugh about it. I wouldn't take it back. I dunno, God is good, God is so cool.
Now, me as a mom. I am crazy at times. My b-friend dared me to go to "Claires", in Bend ,(that kids boutique who has jewelry and ear pearcings) and ask them if they do nipple pearcings. It was easy for me. We laughed so hard. Man, I miss her~ ha ha ...we have done some crazy things, way beyond crazy!! and God gave her to me to experience those crazy things----cause he KNOWs me. She was born Oct 9, my same b-day. Her husband, Ryan, has the same b-day as Brian, May 22. In college, we were one. I could cry thinking about being apart. I have cried so much about it, I think I have somewhat accepted it. I dunno. I trust God has a plan.
Brian said when we were dating that when I was the age of "32" I would still be the most sexiest, most fun woman alive. I didn't believe him when I was 21, but now I'm wondering if he will be right~

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

late night special....


I figured I would post a little picture on tonight's topic, Joey. The reason for the bath photo is to let you know that Joey no longer sees bubbles as bubbles. He likes the bubbles to be snow. He loves talking about it. He often pretends hes in winter wonderland. We are totally all about it until we hear gushes of water pouring all over the floor which often ends with the usual "Joey I told you water stays in the tub GEEEEZ- oh -FLIIIIPPP!!" I have noticed nothing has changed with this occurrence, only our voices getting louder and deeper each time.

Anyways, we all love bathroom humor right? Well, actually I'm not getting into that. I'm actually getting into the bedroom..............not what you might be thinking though. ha!

Towards the end of my pregnancy Joey would often come to sleep in our bed in the wee hours of the morning. I let it slide. I am very protective of Joey's emotions and I wanted him to feel comfortable with the transition. Brian agreed. I thought Jo was like a cute dog. They often know when a mother is about to give birth. I dunno really, it just felt ok. Well, I was right...... I think. After Ruthie he didn't come to our room. In fact he slept in a lot too.

That was until about 2 weeks ago. Just when I thought we were "smooth sailing".... there he is every night standing there sucking on his stinky blankie in his mouth waiting for me to realize his helpless presence. I suddenly feel him there. Half asleep, I swing him over between Brian and I, tuck him in and hope I fall back asleep before #2 wakes up. It sounds so sweet and cute now, but even as I type this my neck hurts and I try and pop it like, every 5 minutes or something. You see, Joey is the worst person to sleep with . What 3 1/2 yr old isn't right? He kicks me. He does this mouth thing that could wake up just about anyone including my dad who could out snore just about anyone! I grabbed his leg the other night and held it firm and I said, "Joey QUIT kicking me!!!" It was then I realized, we have a problem. Brian and I hug the very edge of the bed and I usually try and share a pillow with Joey, and here is Joey, in his version of sleep heaven and by the way what in the world are we putting up with?
I'm "proactively" trying to figure out a game plan now, but your advice would help.

Do you realize I spent 150$ on a perfectly adorable fire truck bed for jo that I love so much I actually was considering spray painting it pink and making it ruthies someday? I mean, I would have great sleep in his bed! It even has this built in night light thing. It is the perfect bed. When my mom came to visit she stuffed her little body in it and took a snoozer. That is a funny mental pic. Anyways, the night is upon me, wish me luck!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Manolo and Me

One thing I love about the "Carrie Bradshaw" character from my fav show, "Sex and the City", is her obsession with very expensive shoes. The fact that she loves designer shoes and lives pay check to pay check comforts me in my own weaknesses. (ps. I should note, the writers base the show on real women and their own experiences) My weakness isn't designer shoes like, 450$ Manolo's, but I have my weaknesses for sure. Uggs for example. I begged Brian for a pair of Uggs this Christmas. He generously made this happen for me. I was so thrilled!! Upon recieving them I loved them so much I begged him for another pair. "But , Brian, I will sell things on Craigs list and Ebay I promise!" I don't always have to ask Brian for purchases, but the ones I feel guilty, shameful about I ask. I know this could look like pure manipulation, well, it is actually. I'm working on it. Brian has a quiet soul with me, and usually my intentions grow pure somewhere down the road. Most of the time when I don't realize it. So, while I'm in transition, I will love my Uggs, try and live content with what I have, and sell things like I promised.

BTW, today I saw "Marley and Me". I loved it. I cried, and laughed all by myself in the theater. awesome :)

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Mind Barf. Thats kinda gross.

I have lots on my mind and I can't seem to pick what I want to talk about.
uuuhhhhhh, Okay, I want to remember this story, so I will go with something that will make me smile. As some of you know Brian works late at tmobile. He usually gets home by 10 and while he is wired I'm usually on the verge of passing out wherever I have landed myself in our house that evening. After he eats he usually follows me to our bedroom and starts rubbing my feet (I have to brag, he has done this since I was pregnant with Joey. He is quite good at it too!) I try and listen to his day with out passing out--but this particular night for some reason I was willing to have a long convo. We started talking, kinda being playful, and then we started talking about who out of his friends I would be a good match for , and who out of my friends he would be a good match for. While, it took him forever to find someone for ME, it was quite easy for me to figure someone out for HIM. I didn't realize I was that annoyed by our conversation until I named that person and he said, "Yeah, I could have married "blank" if I hadn't married you" Our playful conversation went to crap. I was like "geez Brian, what happened to the romantic idea that I was the one" ? He tried to reason with me. He said something like,
" Tiff, c'mon, thats not fair, blah blah blah" Honestly, I lost myself in my head way before that. My eyes felt like they had 20 p0und weights on them. I was soooo tired. I was a little hurt I think, but whatever, we are married, God wanted it, goodnight.

I made a rule when I was pregnant, no talking to me passed 9 pm. Clearly, I need to come up with a new rule. No "spouse matching talk" late at night or something like that. haha
Marriage is funny, and God has a sense of humor. I don't think I could survive this earth without humor.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

wine buzz gone..

Tonight Brian and I were shooting for a night somewhat alone. With wine in hand, and a movie in the works we were so close. In more ways than one I might add! Joey with a cold and Ruthie joining him it was stupid for trying-or was it? I have been getting used to two children, In fact I would have said we were done with transition. But, moments like this remind me not to get ahead of myself.

Ruthie will be 4 months January 30th. wow~ time is flying, but sometimes it feels like I have had her forever. With the subject of "body image" I was reading an article from my favorite website ever today,(the shape of a mother.com, you guys know I'm totally hooked on it) but a very smart woman mentioned something that really stood out to me. She explains:

"So, I’m watching my son, and I’m marveling at his benchmarks and growth spurts and chubby cheeks and laughter and at some point, I ask myself, “If you are so happy for this rapid change, growth and transformation in your son, then why aren’t you celebrating your own as well?” Deep. I mean, here we are, new mothers holding babies on our hips that grew inside us feeling bad about stretchmarks and cellulite. Stupid, isn’t it?

But shoot, we don’t know any better. We get tricked into believing that having a baby is a thing you “bounce back” from. We don’t understand it as a fundamental transformation, but rather as some sort of “situation” that we will return to “normal” after.

I mean, men probably have a better understanding of what women’s post-pregnancy bodies look like than we do!"

Is it possible? Our men really do see what is real and beautiful and we are the ones that don't? I can't tell you how many times I have told Brian that he doesn't get it with the body thing and that "I should have the weight off by now" or "Quit telling me I'm beautiful!" etc.
geez--my body created a human for crying out loud!! What the hell do I expect? and why do I dwell on this? deep breath :)

so anyways, maybe my buzz isn't completely gone ,,,,

Monday, January 19, 2009

hormone haven

I saw this picture today as I was cruising through my computer. When I saw it I thought about what the "Last Days" were like. Not only do I not look like me, I know exactly what I was thinking when Brian took that pic.,,,it was "how do I pull off me looking good right now in any possible way?" what is so funny is that I was really really trying to smile. Ruthie at this point was 13 days late. Man, I was so out of it and in a different world. Do you see that skeleton onezie attatched to my tank top? That was my desperate attempt at a laugh, and I had to cover my tank top cause my tummy wasn't totally covered.
That day I went to watch the cowboys game at a bar. Only I didn't make it to the bar right away cause Brian and I were in a fight. When we parked the car I got out, I took the keys and thru them on the concrete sidewalk in downtown Bend. Thank God I didn't hit the people that were sitting out side by a table enjoying there meal! They looked at me weird, but I didn't care. I ignored Brian and sort of "trotted" to a place to escape from him, a place that would be far away. I finally got to that metal guy in down town bend , (you know that guy who sits on the bench with the birds on his hat, that statue thing?) so I was there thinking about how much I hurt physically and how stupid I was for kinda trying to run my way there, but I was pissed and I wasn't going back! Until, that is, I became hungry. Hahah!!~
I walked back, saw Brian walking towards me and I started crying. He practically pushed me back to the bar cause I really couldn't walk that well. I don't think we ever resolved our fight, but we didn't care, I think we were just glad that we found each other and that we still had our keys. We went in "Sidelines" and had a pretty good time--

Saturday, January 17, 2009

love and laundry

Today I was reminded of how much I love my house. I have told people that we will probably live here until we are 40 or so-- so we better like it! haha
I love the fact that the other day when I was in our kitchen I ran into my husband and spilled my water everywhere. We just looked at each other and laughed. I love that my house isn't too big for me to clean. Our laundry can't build up or it will get too cluttery (that's not a word but who cares)I love when its morning and I'm getting things done on the computer, Brian comes in and checks on whats going on that day and while we are having our discussion I look over and see Ruthies head popping up from her crib looking at us. I love that we have a hockey table taking up half of our 2 car garage that we don't put the cars in (did I mention we don't really use the hockey table)?. I love that toys are slowly taking over our living room area. I love that it makes Joey's day when I say he can take a nap in "mommy and daddy's" bed. I have noticed that both kids love the commotion of an active house. They sleep with doors open. I love when I'm tripping over Brian and Joey when they are wrestling and balls are flying everywhere. (which I don't really like balls in the house but sometimes I have to roll my eyes and say, "whatever") Like the other day when I was sitting on the couch minding my own when a small green ball hit me on the side of my head. I love that when Brian called me into the laundry room there was our fat black cat chillin out in our wet clothes in our washing machine.

The other day Brian and I were talking about how sad it would be to move out of this house.
you know? its probably not so much the house we would miss, probably the memories we are creating in it. The house we play, laugh, fight, cry, pray, eat, love, clean, etc. in.

Friday, January 16, 2009

princess brat - thats a polite choice of words......

I was at the most popular walmart in Redmond today,,,,ha,,,,(the only walmart--and Joey, ruthie, and I were chillin down the aisle when I see this really cute blonde little girl who was about 5 maybe 6 yrs old. She had this adorable princess costume on. I stop my cart and I said, "Oh my gosh you're princess outfit is soo cute!) she then looked at me, stuck out her tongue and said "mmmwwwhhaaaa!!" and had a sassy mean look on her face. Her mother watched the whole thing and then said, "honey, don't do that" in a kinda I don't really care that my child just did that voice. I was in total shock. did that child really just do that! ???
I walked away and thought, "have we lost our parental minds"!!!!??? I know I'm not a perfect mom, and kids do that stuff. But, my feelings were actually hurt. maybe the hormones are still floating around--I think the mom should have said sorry to me. Should I have approached her? What would our kids be like if we would let things like that subside?

On a cuter note, Joey is so into saying "THanks" after every tiny little thing. I almost thought it was getting slightly annoying--but now I am so proud and thankful!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Think sexy thoughts

Today has been a weird off day for me, I look in the mirror and I see a red spot on my face, some of you might say this is a zit, but no people, its dry skin. You are thinking,,,who cares? well, I went to my glasses place to get them adjusted and I purposely caught a glance of my red spot face and then my entire body. No, I did not care about the person who probably saw me looking at myself behind the mirror. I remember thinking to myself,,,"what the hell happened to you Tiffany" what a bad thought ,but I had it....yuck! I'm so proud and thankful I can carry babies, I wish it could be known in society that during and after baby, you are the sexiest woman alive. I'm changing this on my own....I have to, I have Ruthie now. She is one that will someday say, man mom, you are the sexiest woman I know. Thats not weird. Confidence is sexy. I'm not going to say my husbands thoughts on all this, but what makes a woman sexy is def. herself-

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My valentine tu tu, or Ruthies

I had fun today making a Tu Tu with a friend. I started to wonder, am I myself around my friends, or do I try really hard to be. I dunno,hopefully i have some time to figure that out. another thought I had,,,I have no time to think!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My virgin of blogging..

I'm not going to pretend to be a sex columnist don't worry! Those of you who know me know that I have a secret fascination with "Carrie Bradshaw" from Sex and the City. Maybe its because my former name is "Shaw" maybe its because she has the life we all wonder about but know doesn't exist, or does it? hummm..
Well, the purpose of me "blogging" is very simple. I have a group of friends out there who do this on a regular basis. They seem to love it and they get "things out" this way. I don't really journal anymore because someone I care about read it (no it wasn't Brian)and ever since then its been really hard for me to journal. I'm so afraid of my thoughts being exposed I might has well expose them, right? well, maybe not ALLLL my thoughts, but its a start to some personal thoughts with some theme on the side.









Followers

Blog Archive

My photo
Redmond, Oregon, United States
My break-through journal